>>208925
Ms. Yomi Praline enters a pet shop.
Yomi: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Y: 'Ello, Miss?
TomOwner: What do you mean "miss"?
Y: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
T: We're closin' for lunch.
Y: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this cat that wishes it were a bird what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
T: Oh yes, the, uh, the Japanese Orange ...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Y: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
T: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Y: Look, matey, I know a dead Chiyo-dad when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
T: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable cat-wishes-it-were-a-bird, the Japanese Orange, idn'it, ay? Beautiful fur!
Y: The fur don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
T: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Y: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage):
'Ello, Mister Norio Wakamoto! I've got a lovely fresh tomato for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
T: There, he moved!
Y: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
T: I never!!
Y: Yes, you did!
T: I never, never did anything...
Y: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO NORIO!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes cat-thing out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Y: Now that's what I call a dead cat-that-wished-it-were-a-bird.
T: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Y: STUNNED?!?
T: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Japanese Oranges stun easily, major.
Y: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That cat-that-wished-it-were-a-bird is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged conversation with Sakaki.
T: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Y: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
T: The Japanese Orange prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable cat-that-wishes-it-were-a-bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely fur!
Y: Look, I took the liberty of examining that cat-that-wished-it-were-a-bird when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
T: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its mouth, and VOOM!
Y: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this cat-that-wished-it-were-a-bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
T: No no! 'E's pining!
CY: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This cat-that-wished-it-were-a-bird is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-CAT-THAT-WISHED-IT-WERE-A-BIRD!!
(pause)
T: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
T: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of cat-that-wished-they-were-birds.
Y: I see. I see, I get the picture.
T: I got a seaslug.
(pause)
Y: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
T: Nnnnot really.
Y: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?